So, as I'm an English/Psychology double major (hopefully officially...eventually...), it isn't completely out-of-nowhere that I've thought seriously about being a psychologist. After all, what I would see as one of my strengths is dealing with people's feelings, talking about them and trying to come up with productive solutions. Also, I think that I have some weird innate quality that makes people trust me. Psychological empirical research might point to my light-colored eyes or rounded face making me seem friendly and approachable - I have no idea. (I'd like to think that I'm special or something, but then again, doesn't everyone? :P)
Not that it is this alone that qualifies me - on the contrary: part of the reason I am drawn to this is because sometimes when people confide in me or ask me for advice, or I just happen to be in the right (wrong?) place at the right (no really... I think it might actually be "wrong"...) time to get involved in these things, I feel completely overwhelmed and in over my head. But as a psychologist, I could get lots of proper training and refine my crude techniques and, well, maybe eventually make a difference for some people?
It's what I want most in life, after all - just to help people. (Or maybe to live on a secluded island with a dozen pitbulls... at least, that's what I start thinking after weeks like this.) But seriously, it sounds ridiculous and like there must be a catch - I'm not being completely honest, I'm holding something back, I'm just saying this to look good. ...Except this is all I've got. When I'm not helping people, I feel completely and utterly useless. Without that active role in trying to make things better, I don't think that my life really has meaning. For a while, I thought the role for me might be within the medical profession - as a doctor or a nurse, etc. Lately, however, I've been trying to reconcile this desire (and weird obsession with medicine) with my natural abilities. (Hint: they're not hard sciences and I would absolutely HATE medical school.)
On a completely different (yet actually related) track (although really, this is what was running through my head when I started this post), I'd like to let you know that today, shit blew up in my face. I was talked to by two people on different sides of a conflict. Now, that's been happening to me a lot lately, and even though I HATE it every single time, this might be the worst yet. I know that I'm not responsible - everyone has told me so. But I somehow got embroiled in this, wrapped in the middle - and it's not a pleasant feeling. People are having so much trouble communicating; I feel as though I have a major advantage with my major choices and, maybe just with some life experiences I've had, in general. What I really want to do, is sit them all down and be a translator for what I know they're trying to convey but can't (at least, in ways that the others appreciate). I know this is completely infeasible, but it's what I want. I should wash my hands of it... but "shoulds" are often not my strong point. And I know that I'm going to hear, one way or another, *(whether I ask for it/like it or not) what goes down.
Also, I handled another situation wrongly, because I was trying to both protect a friend and please everyone at the same time - I was also overwhelmed with everything else going on, and I just didn't give things enough thought. Obviously I've tried to sort things out, but I've hit a point where I feel as though nothing I say or do can be good enough; I basically let her lay everything out for me, apologized, admitted I fked up, went around in this circular pattern for a while and then told her that I understood how she felt, was going to give her space, and that I cared so much about her - and to come and find me when she was ready. I hated leaving things like that, but I finally had to accept that that was all there was - I can't turn back time and change the decision that I made (the decision that I thought was in everyone's best interest), but I can at least respect her feelings.
This is really tough, I have to say - I had a little meltdown on the steps down to the laundry room, and literally couldn't find it in me to switch my laundry over for a good 15 minutes. I like to fix things, I like to be in control - and that has been abruptly wrested from me. And I deserve this feeling. I'm going to just deal - what else can I do? And hopefully, constructively, learn from it and do better next time. I'm just upset that it's too late for this situation.
And to conclude: I am also seriously questioning my abilities to both participate in and emotionally handle something like counseling.
Sigh. Back to the proverbial drawing board.
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(PS - I think I have really, "officially" crossed the line into "blog person." I was having a really hard time with all of this, and feeling very alone and vulnerable, but writing it down and "getting it out," confiding in "someone" (Hello, internet!) was actually super helpful. I feel like I owe someone a large thank you, but I don't know quite who? College? Major? Class? Professor? Other? ...Help?)
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