overinflated responsibility

It's 4:43 pm on a Tuesday afternoon and I stand in the rain with a too-light jacket, a worn sponge and gloves soaking wet with snow, scrubbing at the chalk that proclaims "RUGBY!" on Thomas Hall. At one point, as my fingers start to go numb and I've lost my balance and tumbled off the stairs, landing squarely in a puddle I wonder - What am I doing?

No, I have not picked up a piece of chalk in days - weeks, possibly months. No, I did not tell anyone to do this. No, I didn't even know it was being done, or have a chance to stop it. But because the instructions that I was partially responsible for resulted in this, I still feel responsible. And that's where we get right down to it - my feelings of responsibility.

We should backtrack to recent events - a very clear pattern will emerge. Prior to this scrubbing, I met with the Director of Facilities to take responsibility for the building-chalking on behalf of the team (not intentional - we were apparently just not clear enough that the freshmen knew to stick to HORIZONTAL, rain-washable surfaces) and assured him that the cleanup was being done and promised updates and potential requests for cleaning supplies, should the need arise.

The "too-light" jacket? One of my friends was, ah, fairly intoxicated and running around without a shirt on in the snow. I put my jacket on her (having to chase after her to do this)... she is still fuzzy on some of the details of that night and has no idea where my coat is currently located.

5:00 am on Friday night? Taking care of someone. (This was not when my jacket was lost, actually - separate incident.) Enough said.

Last week - working on a Plenary resolution on behalf of a group and going to a required workshop that no one else could (for most, "would") attend.

I have been told repeatedly, especially lately, that these things are not my responsibility - other people should be doing more about the chalk, especially the people who actually had chalk-in-hand last week; people should just be left to their own devices - they will take care of themselves. That I need to "stop being so stressed out," and "take a break" and "let someone else do it."

But things like the chalk can't stand; it reinforces EVERYTHING I try to fight against with the team. I swear, we are NOT a bunch of assholes. Ruggers are some of the most caring, responsible, amazing people I know. But there is a reputation, and I can't deny that certain individuals sometimes take certain actions that reinforce it. But I simply will not just wait for someone else to magically take initiative and get it done. (As it stands, there were four of us yesterday - and it's not fair to ask those three to come out again when we all know that there are far more people involved.) And if I don't help do it, who will? I would only feel more responsible if someone (or a few someones) did it all alone and no one helped, or worse, if something terrible happened that I was there to prevent and failed to.

This sense of responsibility is highlighted by recent events, but I know that it has always been a part of who I am. A few clips from my earlier life:

- During group projects in middle school, I would consistently end up taking on most of the work because no one else would - I wanted things to get done and I didn't want anyone to fail.

- When I was 13, I stopped eating meat, because I felt "responsible" for the animals that would die to feed me. (I don't hold anyone else to these standards, mind - some people need meat, etc. I just don't feel as though I should eat it.)

- At age 6, I remember helping to clean up the yard of a neighbor to my daycare for absolutely no particular reason. (And when everyone got in trouble for being outside the yard of the daycare except for me, I went to a corner and put myself in timeout.)

- In high school, I would participate in certain classes to excess - because no one else would and I felt like someone had to keep things moving and not put it all on the teacher.

There are plenty of other examples, I'm sure - this is just what comes to mind at this minute. More important than the examples themselves are the feelings that go with them; I am an incredibly guilty person (which goes along nicely with all of this)... I guess I might end up addressing at another time?

But this responsibility is taking its toll, especially lately: I have had a headache pretty consistently for almost a week now; I've been sleeping terribly and it's torture to get up every morning; my eating has also been atrocious, in terms of simply actually making it to meals or eating enough at them; I think my immune system has been trying to fight off something, because I just haven't been feeling "well" lately; I'm exhausted - not just physically, but mentally, emotionally - everything. I just can't keep going at this pace. I lost it a little in the dining hall today, and was scared, not that it happened - but that I could tell that it was just the tip of the underlying proverbial iceberg. I'm drowning in this, yet doing absolutely nothing to break the cycle.

I'm pretty sure I just told the last three people I talked to: "If you need anything, let me know - I can help."