all I am

As predicted, I'm using this blog as actual procrastination, now that it's officially "no longer an assignment." Like how I couldn't even wait a day after the due date to write again? I am still in shock that I was so against this at the beginning of the semester, and now I am almost compelled to do it. What does that say about me? Are my standards and morals really so quick to change once I simply try something and like it? (What if I "tried" murder and found out I was ok with it or found it enjoyable...?)

Ok, enough of that particularly disturbing tangent.

I woke up at noon today. And only then because someone came to my door asking about lost keys from Brecon Prom. Unfortunately, I was too confused and disoriented to be of much help, and she was too embarrassed at having woken me up. (Although really, since I was the one asleep at noon, who really should have been embarrassed?) Yesterday was hard. Not only the "saying good-bye to the seniors" part, but there were other things too. I won't go into detail, but I'll summarize briefly just to say that, as is my usual pattern, I ended up looking out for people. One of my "favorite" (read: it hurt me a lot) quotes from the night, after I magically procured a pizza for some of my drunk friends: "A---, when did you get so awesome!?" You wouldn't think it was that bad. But I knew exactly what she meant, because you have to consider the source of these things. She's not my friend - we don't even really like each other, because... well, she doesn't really like many people. Her "default setting" so to put it, is not set to "like." Which is fine. But don't come over all nice, just because I'm taking care of you.

Admittedly, they would have probably mostly sorted themselves out if I had been elsewhere, but because I wasn't elsewhere, I felt responsible. I got them to a safe place, ordered and paid for a pizza, procured cups from a friend and gave them water - and made sure they drank it. I made sure they all got home... or at least had a place to sleep for the night.

After I got someone back to our dorm (with the aid of the Lantern Van, which I never call - except for this time, because it really would have been an impossible task without it), tucked her in, brought her a glass of water and put a trashcan next to her in case she needed to throw up, I walked up the stairs with RB and ZS. And then I just started crying, because I kept thinking of what that girl had said to me. I was too busy dealing with everything at the time to really process it. But it had been nagging at me, and once I had a few seconds of quiet, I finally let it get to me. They were really great about it. But all I could think about was the fact that I basically just take on this role of taking care of people all the time. And, for some people, that's all I am. I'm only important because I step in when I'm needed and get things done. It was that way on Saturday as I DDed, it's like that in rugby as I'm mostly used as a "place-filler" for A-side, it's like that... too often for my liking. (I do know that it's not with everyone, and I am grateful for the true friends that I have - but this is still too much of a pattern for me to be comfortable with.) And the worst thing? I fully allow this to happen. Because that's all I think that I'm worth, too.

Clearly, I have a lot to think about this summer - once I can get myself disentangled from this place for a little while, I think I'll be able to deal with things better.

I've just had it with Bryn Mawr for a while. I need some space, and I need it now.