"how are you?"

Lately, when I'm asked this question, I have been at a complete loss for how to respond to it. Here is how a few of these conversations have gone in just the last few days (although, let's be honest - this has been a semester-long trend):

- "How are you?"
- "Er... ask me again in a few weeks and you might get a better answer?"

- "How are you?"
- [a beat too long of a pause] "I'm alright."

- "How are you?"
- "I'm exhausted, stressed out and my eyeballs feel like they're melting; I have a ton of work to do and no time to do it in. ... [insert awkward pause] Uh, you?"

- "How are you?"
- "I'm fine."
- "Uh, want to do a better job convincing me of that?"

- In some cases, I get lucky and and am able to dodge the question entirely by a combination of ignoring it, pretending I didn't hear it and changing the subject and ninja-like stealth that I've been perfecting for this very purpose. On a few occasions though, these people (seemingly aware of what I'm up to) doggedly ask me again a few minutes later and I'm annoyingly forced to come up with an actual answer. It usually ranges in the aforementioned spectrum, depending on things like how stressed out I am at that particular moment, how close I am to the person asking, and whether or not I think they're looking for an honest answer.

Because let's be honest - a lot of us just use that as a throwaway line to start conversation. Although I like to think myself a fairly caring person, someone who puts meaning behind that question, I know that I, too, have said it without thinking, without really meaning it. I've been thinking more about it lately, and I've decided that it should just be abolished from conversation. It is unnecessary - once we start a conversation, we will find out how each other is doing, without having to explicitly ask. (Ok, let's be honest [take II] this is probably just my selfish desire to be rid of this nagging question surfacing as an express wish to change social norms... but it's my blog, and I can say what I want?)

Over the past few weeks, I've dealt with tons of work and organizing and stress for Hell Week; more work and organizing and stress for rugby fundraising, as well as that lovely "chalk incident"; a few various friend crises (both their personal crises and conflicts within my own friendships); some personal weirdness stemming from the fact that I might be (kind of, vaguely, sort of... ok, FINE - am) in love (?) with someone who I really should not be ("What is 'shouldn't?'" you say - Trust me on this one. Really.); the fact that my academic performance as of late has been steadily slipping, and I am at a complete loss as to how to counteract this and motivate myself to care again (I'm only a sophomore - this is not only unacceptable & inexcusable, but downright dangerous); I feel like although I have plenty of friends, I'm actually really alone - when I feel the most vulnerable, I don't know who to turn to or what to say. (And what scares me the most about this, isn't that these many friends aren't willing to be there for me - it's that something always stops me from completely letting them.)

I'd like to quickly point out that I don't mean to sound as "oh-woe-is-me-no-one-understands" as I probably do; I recognize fully that my situation is not unique. Bryn Mawr is full of over-committed, stressed out, sleep-deprived (and sometimes just downright crazy) women. I also recognize that there are people doing way more than I am, and that I should just stop freaking out so much and deal.

Except, I've just been having a bit of a hard time with the "dealing" part, and I really wish people would stop asking me this question and reminding me of it.

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[Disclaimer: I promise that I am actually dealing with myself and will get my act together at some point (soon). This is just me being overwhelmed and resulting in an overflow of excess feelings that I don't know what else to do with, except to put into this blog. I like this, actually... it's like a receptacle where I can put my emotional baggage so that I don't have to carry it around with me everywhere. But I'm fine. Really. Don't look at this post and worry about my sanity.]