Although I promise this is a relatively positive post, I have to get it out of the way and say, it has started out as an absolutely horrendous week.
Here's a (not-so-brief) chronicle: On Sunday night, the full impact of how much work I had neglected over Spring Break hit me full force over the head. (Literally, actually, in the form of a splitting headache that settled itself behind my right eye, and refused to give up this residence for hours, despite the usually-effective bribes of caffeine and Advil.) The whole thing is completely my fault, and I deserved the consequences - but it was nonetheless a pretty unpleasant experience. Still, I got all of my work done and I was pretty pleased with all of it, even if it took me the entire night. I slept for about an hour, woke up Monday extremely nauseous and stayed that way for the entire day, only managing to force down about half a bagel (and later a bit of pasta and some tea) with the intent of not dying at practice later that day. (Other stated goal of the day: don't throw up on anyone. Had a few close calls, may have gagged in class, but I managed to actually do that one thing right.) Practice was, in itself, an ordeal - as exciting as it was to be playing outside again after all of the snow, we were all soaked through and freezing within about 5 minutes. I collided headfirst with a teammate at one point (which may explain the extreme head and neck pain following through today?) and then we ended early when we had a few close-calls in quick succession, before someone actually got pretty hurt, which felt like a really terrible way to begin the season this weekend. It really bothers me when people around me get hurt and there is nothing I can do to help them or make things better.
I also got news of a rejection for something that, although I knew I was unlikely to get, I still really wanted. As mentally prepared for the result as I was, I was still pretty crushed by it. As often as this happens, I just keep wondering what, exactly is so wrong with me? Because It has to be me, at this point - it would be just too coincidental to keep, repeatedly not getting these things I apply for, want really badly and actually believe I would be great at. But I still haven't figured out what it is, and it's been hard to attempt an honest answer, when all of my family and friends just keep insisting that I'm fine and it's not my fault and that "sometimes things just work out that way." As much as I love them and really do appreciate their attempts to protect my feelings, this really just cannot be the case - it is too statistically improbable. I am on a mission to figure this out, although I have realized that it is basically a no-win situation. If I do succeed in finding it, I might not like what I find and it might be really hard to deal with, let alone try to fix. But if I don't succeed, I'll still be frustrated and flawed and I won't make the kind of progress I want in life.
To change direction, however (which was the original intent of this post - I swear), I think I have been spending far too much time lately dwelling on the unpleasant things that have been happening lately. It was good to whine a bit and write them down, but I'm done now. Instead, I'd like to make a list of some things that have gone well, in the hopes of re-directing my focus. (And, you know, also sounding like less of a whiner.)
1. J is ok.
My best friend from high school (one in a group of three of us) was attacked up at his college in Syracuse two weeks ago. It was completely unprovoked and also really serious - he came as close as one can get to bleeding in his brain (2 concussions inside of 2 seconds from being punched in the face and slamming his head on the pavement) without actually doing it. I cried the first time after talking to him on the phone, because he was so out of it, helpless, in pain and clearly not himself. I called him every day until he came home for his Spring Break because it was literally the only thing I could do - and, maybe a little selfishly, it reassured me that he was still ok and recovering. Luckily, he has some amazing friends at college and they really took care of him. Although recovery is going to be a little slower than he thought at first because of the severity of the injury, he is going to be 100% ok. Best sign: he had to do a big investment simulation (for the entirety of his class in business school) about a day and a half after he was attacked. Even with vision in only one high, his friends having to help him read the computer screen and heavy painkillers, he came in 3rd. I'm thinking that he's pretty amazing and that his cognitive abilities are going to be coming back just fine. He actually cried when I was on the phone about a week after the incident, after he had gone back alone to walk around in the spot where it happened. I tried to reassure him that whatever he was feeling was completely fine and that lots of emotions were normal for both this kind of situation and a concussion. "No," he told me, "It's just that, I'm so relieved." I paused and waited for him to collect himself, without any idea of how to respond to this. "As bad as it was, I think about how much worse it could have been... and with my friends up here and you guys and everything, I just have so much to be around for..." Yeah, I think I have a lot to learn from J.
2. Spent quality time with E Monday night.
After the horrendous day that was Monday, I texted a close friend and asked her to do homework with me. She understood that what I really needed was a "babysitter," to keep me awake and on track with my work. Despite the fact that neither of us was in the mood to work for various reasons, it was really great to just be with someone. We had some pretty quality witty banter and I actually got some work done - that probably would not have happened if I had stayed alone in my room. Our relationship has also just been a little difficult lately, I think with just being in completely different places as a sophomore and a senior - so it was really great to just have things get more "back to normal" with her.
3. I am becoming more pleased with the work I have been handing in.
I think I mentioned before that I've been disappointed in some of the work I've been turning in lately. I'm really making an effort to turn that around, and although my intent was to also sleep better in combination with this, I would much rather get this part on track. I also am finally really getting into the "major declaring" process, which is making me feel like I might, actually, end up as a real adult sometime in the future, with a real job and all of that. Huh.
4. Saturday is rugby day!
That is really all that needs to be said. I love this game, and I love Spring season, because it's not our "official" season (the games don't count) and will be a great chance for me to learn a lot and improve - as well as hopefully get to know the new freshmen, become closer with the other sophomores and juniors and spend some last time with the seniors as our teammates.
5. This list has helpd me refocus.
Taking a break from more "immediate" homework concerns, this blog post was a nice way to take a bit of a break, get myself together, and get ready to finish the rest of my work so that I can head to bed. It also put things in perspective, especially thinking about J's situation. As bad as things get, there is always something worse that could happen. Also important, I am aware of the problems that I've been having lately and am really working to improve myself and help things get better.
I am in control of my life; things will get better from here.
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