I'm feeling super off today, and I don't really know why. Ok, maybe that's a lie. I'm sick (which always throws me) and I've just been having weird friend issues lately and... I don't know - the usual, probably. Too much to do and not nearly enough time to do it in. (It probably doesn't help my situation that whatever illness I've managed to get kept me asleep for basically the entirety of Sunday. I slept through SGA. Which begins at 7pm. Fail, indeed!)
But I'm just feeling really vulnerable and I don't know why. It might be because I'm just really bad at being sick. I'm supposed to be the one taking care of people, not the one needing to be taken care of! I hate this feeling of "needing" other people. Never mind the fact that I'm always the first person to offer (and then subsequently bring) food or cough drops or whatever my sick friends and acquaintances need. The idea of me having to rely on someone else is utterly abhorrent.
...and yet, all I really want -- all I've really wanted for the past few days is for someone to just offer to do for me the things I usually do for other people. In reality, I know that I'm probably too proud to take them up on it. But I guess it's just the idea of care that I really want?
Sadly, I'm also too proud to articulate any of this to anyone. And, I mean, duh. My friends aren't mind readers. It's not their fault that they can't guess what I want - especially when my behavior usually points to the opposite, especially in this case.
Whatever. I think I'm nearing the "flu" end of whatever this is and moving toward the benign "cold" part of it (yeah, it's one of those), so I'm hoping to be a mostly-functioning human being by tomorrow. (Let's be honest... I went to all of my classes today. I've probably already hit that point physically, if not mentally.)
I just need to suck it up and deal. And to get my head together and stop wanting things I can't have.
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